The Single Rev's Guide to Life
Collar and Pearls
by Kedron Jarvis
I’m in a leadership class. You might know the type…a group of leaders come together to learn more about leadership in a small group setting. Speakers come in; we read a book on leadership; we complete a project as a group. They have them all over the country in different forms. A few weeks ago my class, all young professionals ages 22-40, was on retreat. We did the requisite Myers-Briggs and a ropes course, and thankfully ended with happy hour. And there was an hour of class time dedicated to “Professional Etiquette.” Now lets just start out with the fact that we are in Montgomery, Alabama…etiquette is almost a subject in elementary school. This is a place where the first rule I learned was “always save face.” No matter what stupid or ridiculous thing someone is doing, make sure you don’t point out that stupid or ridiculous thing and hopefully they can save face. This is also a place where I finally decided 2 years ago that even though I was not married, I was going to pick my silver pattern anyway. Dang it. So there.
Is It Harder Because I Am Older?
Is it harder because I am older? Because I have never been the girl who had a guy? Or because I am a priest and the fear that I might not date anyone again haunts me? When my boyfriend and I broke up 7 months ago I was devastated. I told myself I was fine, but I wasn’t. I have always been the strong, independent type who was friends with the boys and played sports. Having a boyfriend never defined me, and never has it ever been something that I pined for or missed. Until now. It was a year-long relationship in a new town. Surprisingly, I had dated 2 guys for 6 months each back-to-back, then not too long later, I met this one.
It was not a perfect relationship…we were not completely right for each other. But he was sweet and basic and it was nice. Nice to know someone for a long time, to go through all the seasons and holidays with one person. Nice to actually not be the odd girl - the one without a guy. Nice to talk about “us” and say “we”. And I think I got used to it. Part of me might have been settling for someone who was great, but not my soul-mate. But, gosh it was comfortable. It was great to be part of a couple. I wasn’t lonely.
It Is Not Good...
"It is not good that the man should be alone..." (Genesis 2:18)
At the beginning of all things, there came a time - very quickly, it seems - when God decided that it was no longer good for Adam to live alone. Such a time also came for me not long ago. No, God did not pluck a rib from my side and create the perfect partner (and let's face it, Adam's partner turned out to be not so perfect anyway, which is pretty much how it's gone for everyone since). No, there are no wedding bells chiming in my foreseeable future. But, after six plus years of solo living, the time came when it was no longer good for me to be alone.
Mid-Life Crisis
When I told my Mom that I had bought myself a Mini Cooper for my birthday she joked that it was my “mid-life crisis”. Excuse me? Mid-life? Crisis?!?! I don’t know about you, but when I think of that phrase I picture a 55-year old man driving a red Ferrari with the top down, not a just-turned-37 year old woman driving a bright red Mini Cooper. So no, Mom, I’m not having a mid-life crisis.
But, it got me thinking. I looked it up online, and I’m told that the average American woman has a 79.10-years life expectancy. So, if I double my age, that makes 74, which means I’m technically nearly at mid-life. Okay, that’s interesting, and I’ll get back to it in a minute.
Now, does my buying a Mini Cooper (for a whopping $21K) constitute a ‘crisis’? Ah, no, I don’t think so. If I had sold all my belongings, shaved my head, and run off to join the Hari Krishnas – maybe. But buying a Mini Cooper does not a crisis make. A few speeding tickets maybe, but that’s about it.
Dinner for Two?
I was just trying to be nice. Pastors are supposed to be nice, right? And to listen; pastors are supposed to listen, especially to their elderly parishioners who have just suffered the tremendous loss of a spouse's death. I was trying to be empathetic, to be present in pain, to offer support. To be alone after fifty-some years of marriage must be awful. When he started calling more often, I didn't worry about it.
Being single, I know well how lonely and depressing it can be to eat alone every night - how mealtimes can become an endless march of boxed, dried, frozen, canned, microwaved convenience food eaten on the couch. I'm in favor of meals eaten with other people, on principle, and I frequently have meetings at local restaurants rather than in my office. So, when he asked if we could meet and talk over dinner sometime, I didn't think much of it. A good pastor can share a meal with a parishioner, right?
In Touch
“Well, the bad news is you’re going to be sick for weeks,” the doctor offered with a (sort of) sympathetic smile. I didn’t respond immediately, waiting for some sort of good news corollary. It didn’t come. After a four hour visit, I walked out the doors of the emergency room, less feverish than when I came, clutching my information sheet about mononucleosis and a prescription for super-strength Motrin. Before I left the hospital parking lot, I was calling everyone I remember having shared my saliva with in the past week.
Kind of embarrassing at age 26.
Cuss Words and Cocktails
I cried…I cannot believe I cried. I absolutely cannot believe I did that. A month ago I met a cute guy. He was with a few of his buddies and someone apparently said to them/him that I was a priest. So they began to ask me questions. (Ladies, you know the questions, I won’t even bother going into them.) It was totally benign as these question answer sessions go and I stayed for a few minutes before excusing myself and going home. Two weeks ago, I saw this same fella in the neighborhood bar and we began to talk. A good bit later we were still talking and it was certainly time for us each to go home. He did the gentlemanly thing and walked me to my car and there asked for my number.
The Friendship Family
I mapped out my life by the time I graduated from college. I’d be married at 25; I’d have kids at 30. This was my plan. Why? It’s simple: that’s the way my mom’s life spaced itself out. Don’t daughters’ lives mirror their mother’s? Well, apparently not. I held on to this plan though, until the revelation of forced irrelevance: my 26th birthday. There had been no wedding. There wasn’t even a boyfriend at the time. No story like mom’s. My life map was flawed.
This was kind of like when I stepped my 5 foot tall body on the scale at the doctor’s office in 5th grade and it read 132. Encouragingly my mom said to me, “Now that is a perfect weight for you for the rest of your life.” 25 pounds, 5 inches, and 15 years later… that comment doesn’t seem so encouraging anymore. So much for 132! Sometimes other people have expectations for us. Life doesn’t seem to care too much about expectations. The maps others draw for us are also flawed.
Dating Do's and Don'ts
This month, the Single Rev's Guide to Life goes to the lighter side with a brief list of survival guidelines the rocky territory of dating in the church. Enjoy - and feel free to add your own tried and true rules in the comments!
1. Never date a parishioner.
2. Don't let the little old ladies in the parish set you up with their niece/nephew/grandchild/any sort of relative. Bad.
3. As an ordained person, breaking up can be disastrous; you're a public figure, and people can be mean and vindictive in break-ups. So, treat others with dignity and respect, and be honest and transparent during the break up process, should it occur. You don't need the drama of a bad break up, and neither does your congregation.
The Other L-Word
If you're single, most people you encounter will assume you are, but if you admit it, they will likely become uncomfortable. It's an unmentionable for clergy, a confession that might hurt or puzzle your congregation, or encourage them in inappropriate matchmaking attempts. The very nature of it leads you to believe that you are isolated, that you are the only one who has ever felt this way.
Lonely.
Of course, we have all felt lonely - yes, even the married people. You probably already know that, intellectually. We single people are just the ones who are actually asked, "Aren't you lonely?"
